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 P a i n    A s    T i m e




1 9 7 4 - 1 9 7 6



* * *



 three thousand ideas



 walking on my mind



 but till separated



 I live with the roar



 of their pain



* * *



 Force... Pressure...



 sharp arrow of fear


 melting the dam of resistance


 leaving behind


 quivering and mindless




 Describe... Impossible...



 a circular volume, empty


 enclosed by thought


 impenetrable to others


 no reason... anyway



* * *



Feeling Defeat



lost in a gray


no reason to wander


no place to wander to


the gray dissolves you...


slowly



* * *



life is a colorwheel



to my eyes



* * *



I describe the effect


you are the cause



I am the result


you are the reason



I wait for you in the past


because our time


or the only time I will live


is in the future with you



you do not exist, I know



and the pain is good



* * *



AND ON A DAY, IT CAME



THUNDEROUS FIRE, LIQUID PAIN



CHOKING THE SENSES, NO LONGER SANE



REDUCED TO RUINS



MY CLAIM TO FAME



* * *



THREE SECONDS



AWAKEN...

slow to move, to think


STOP... A NOISE

who? what? where am...


THINK...

I can't, you must... must


EYES... OPEN

blurs, soft and gray


BLINK... FOCUS


BACKGROUND... FAMILIAR

face... not

gun... not

pain... not

peace... not



* * *



ETERNITY


an unspeakable word


no meaning actually


no way to describe adequately


but its there



useless term, free me from


the only destiny anybody has


DEATH/NOTHING for an eternity



* * *



I scream at nothing


it screams back at me


I fight for guidance


it guides unseen



to a dark path


ominous, treacherous trail


winding upwards


it taunts and I fail



tricked by my own fear


and overcome with weakness


too late to start over


I feel its caress



* * *



PAIN AND PRESSURE SURROUND MY SKULL


THAT MAKES THE SENSES APPEAR SO DULL


MY BODY REBELS AT SIMPLE TASKS


AND IN COMMAND ARE A THOUSAND MASKS



* * *



HIDDEN...


behind my colors


in front my eyes


there, but not real


take, use, waste, discard


sewage of the mindstream


in charge



* * *


 

turn to the hidden nature's glory


rise to the call of shadows morbid


beg the presence of all evil



conquer



and shatter to dust your chains



* * *


 

and it rose


ageless splendor


bringer of a new day



worshipped, hated and cursed


but necessary for life


all life



it dispels the darkness


as it dispels fear



the absence of it scares me


the presence of it awes me



the sun


inanimate


man's salvation


and ultimately...


man's destruction



* * *


 

next time, look at me


deeper than before



this time, know me


better than before



through time, be mine


always more than before



* * *


 

LAST JOURNEY



JAGGED / BLEEDING... SEARCHING


LOST / DARKNESS... GROPING


PANIC / UNKNOWN... FUTILE



* * *



gentle were the days before


that were lost by the passing time


till left with an impossible task


find what's called the never known



so through the darkness lost and weary


groping for that unknown quality


bleeding hands for my trouble


jagged memories reach for me



search the mindpaths for the answer


futile is my agony


till lost upon that day like others


panic for all eternity



* * *



I scream the answers to the heavens


I reach to free my soul from hell


I lose this life so tenacious


and sink into a death free spell



* * *



and when a thought breaks down


while just breaking through



then who is to blame


created and destroyed



more to come


which is more to forget



* * *



to share


is to love


a gift


that has no measure



to share


whether be thoughts


or physical intimacy


are equal to me



to share


is all I have


is all


that has me



* * *


 

your hidden smile...


ready to rise like the sun after night



ready to light up your features


in the orange energy of dawn



give me the joy of your smile


so that I may own you



* * *


 

I lay on tomorrow's leaves


future rustles tickle my ears



reach out


touch the yet to come


look back


smiling at this present



can you escape the confines of time


and with your mind


be the gentle breeze


that rustles my tomorrow's leaves



* * *


 

found the darkside


cold and wanting


discovered


upon that sea of green


test to life's


greatest values


to behold...


is my dream



* * *


 

a letter never sent


always, the memory of you remains

love, the way we were

and the person you were to me


think lightly if you look back

refreshing yourself in what once was

remembering the day we had each other


it was on a windswept hilltop

holding hands, we pledged never to stop

feeling the way we felt together

and united we were, or so we thought


later I forgot what I had promised

and broke it because I pitied me

soon to realize how I failed you

missed you more each passing day

no one I found could replace you

then I knew what I had to say


back together

you wearing strawberries

I feeling the pain

of what I had done


so we planned

the future dark with my leaving

many other things too

this time you made a decision


and left me


two lives were made different then

two stubborn people

who could have succeeded

if they would have understood

themselves


by the lakeside, blue and gleaming

partying there so long ago

discovered and told a girl I loved her

and of that memory

I always will



* * *


 

UNFOLDING


reflections in a crystal pool of memories

surrounded by stately willows

the air hangs heavy with no movement


DISTORTION


caused by a skipping stone of thought

brings to the surface that which was hidden

and a breeze puts to end all stillness


RENEWAL


the old gradually fades from thinking

the new presents its magic spell

reach out and turn to face it

while hearing what the wind has to tell


STRENGTH


is what you feel

disappeared is the worry of belonging

it’s torn apart as yesterdays fog

you exist in the shouting gale



* * *



to a dark end


all must fail you


but that is in everyone


and must be



hurricane force


you the master


ride this beast of life...



be free



* * *


 

pain is time


time is pain


to feel the restriction of time is pain


timebound


I know the pain of having to be



I have found one escape


and for now


it is sufficient


but for tomorrow I search


and the many morrows to come



you may plead with the unknown


but all that time


I walk


the rainbow landscapes


of my mind



* * *


 

when the present


is the death of the past



the future


is the unborn result of now



* * *


 

sands of your thoughts

warmed by the sun

desert emptiness

bring forth your light


whisper...

a gentle plea


strong

was the force that pursued them

seemingly weak beings

lost before starting


prayed to their gods

unanswered, forgotten

left on the shallows of their despair


last rally of strength

taken from the depths

of their alien being


faced an unknown enemy

strong with great hope

cruelly crushed

not comprehending their fate


but lived while they did

and died not knowing



* * *


 

The Lookout

 

submarine surface watch 

Devils triangle, 1975 



waiting, knowing what is to be

but it has been so long a time

and I have missed the beauty

of greeting the fading of night


to see


stars still blurred in their multitude

dark, infrequent shapes hide the heaven's glory

and rim the horizon in haze

the water, simply dark and lifeless


to hear


the strongest sense is that of hearing

the power churned into this boat's wake

along with the breaking ocean upon the bow

white water, frothing, streaming,

and piling upon itself against the sail


to feel 


the brisk breeze

carrying a host of summer night memories

talks just to me

all of this while I am the lookout


to taste


the scent of the ocean

and the salt on the wind

add a new dimension to observing

and becomes another factor

in the breaking of day


beginnings


stars say farewell

in their own winking way

shadows turn to clouds

and on the separation between

the ocean and darkness

a faint pink tinge appears


a cancer of light

spreading, turning darker

erasing the night sky

and in turn

coloring the above in blue


progression


a glaring red orb above the water

the ocean's water becomes a refracting

playground of light


I am borne on dunes laced with silver and gold

that dance to the inner music of my mind

changing, no pattern

whim of the wind


transfixed I can only stare

all the colors of morning

are known to me now

permanently painted on my mind


I feel

the peace of having witnessed

through all my senses

the transition

and knowing

of the dawn 



* * *



aware


of the way


the way it ought to be



feel


the desolation of


the absence of natural rhythm


in your life



knowing


how it should be


makes the pain of knowing


it never will be


that much more intense



control


the torrent of chaos


in your life's sphere



smooth


the discordant pulses


of living



and know the beauty


the beauty in each of us



* * *


 

entered upon


discovered by searching


I have felt the biting storm of loneliness


the cruel whims of existing



rising above


I have reached the second level now


detached and above


all that seeks me for harm



* * *


 

 stonewall



 granite heaviness



 trapped inside



 the ring of its containment



 void of change



 empty of color and wind



 frozen from time's wheel



 not lost nor found



 not death nor life



 not anything at all



 my glacier of apathy does call



* * *


 

think of yourself as surrounded


with the feelings I remember you by



protected,


insulated from the cold of loneliness



do not fear the dark of night


and life's shadows


pacing the walls around you



* * *



PAGAN



to words unsaid,

and never done


to places unseen,

so unknown


to reality,

and its perfect escape


to you,

pagan


its imperfections are desired

and known to me


it says those unsaid words


it sees that which is unseen


it is reality, and my escape


your story if so discovered


these things that never were



(painting, 1974)



* * *



see the glory that exists



worship the sun's glitter


on high cliff's edge



as free as the clouds


that crown it in colors



shaped by oceans


that listen only to themselves



touch this earth


you have come from



for this is beauty


and my god



* * *


 

if the day dawns bright


think of me...


for a moment



if the day is with rain and gloom


think of me...


for a moment



if the day dawns not at all


you are with me...


for a moment



* * *


 

lightly you cross


the path of my life


a mist of pleasure


is your smile



to hold


to want


to love



I am the slave


of your presence



* * *


 

whispered thoughts


break the calm



say those words


I've known before



binding the promises


of summer days



and breezes


in the nights of tomorrow



one of two


two as one



inseparable


face the way time flows



and live


in that meadow's song



* * *


 

enter the thoughts of wonderment



cascading through chasms in the mind



swirling purity enhanced by colors



lose the final touch to now



and continue...



into pleasure



 (from a painting)



* * *


 

follow this path



it starts where it ends


it begins when its over


imparts nothing


asks nothing


is nothing



when you walk alone with many


and see it's the way


you've always imagined


lose just one feeling


and become what you have wanted



 (from a drawing)



* * *


 

sing a soft song as I depart


it is over, and all that I know follows:


I am abandoned on loneliness


each breath reminds me

of the thousand more I must take

to continue this


some would search for hope

I search for a non-existent eternity


terror owns me, panic controls me

and this thing screams inside of me

it screams to be in command


I am strong now, but it grows

and I am slowly withering

so it is I screaming this time


remove me

before my human feelings are lost


care for me

away from the pain of seeing

away from seeing the pain


but the people turn away

a million blank stares

looking the other way now


a million empty minds

considering a million useless thoughts


die people, die as the sun turns red above you


your death is as senseless as your life

crumbled ashes are your remains

just as your dreams and hopes before you

it laughs...


and I laugh for the last time

because the echo follows me

as I am no more



* * *


 

worlds that beckon


be wary of such places



seduced already by your needs



fools make themselves


with traps that need no spinning



fools react to the shimmering shell


and ignore the consuming fire



fools never see themselves


until the end



when their game


becomes their mirror



* * *


 

I have found words


without meaning


and empty gestures



I have found some things


that only appear to be real


and evil hidden


by thin veils of goodness



I have found and felt


the despair of existing



balanced forces exist


that is just one side


of being able to understand



I've meet people


who speak words from inside


whose gestures


tell about themselves



not all is evil


and there is a reality


my reality and yours


the electricity of being...



* * *


 

I lay bound in a pit of sorrow


the BLACKNESS drips cold... on stone


and emptiness is my warmth


with pinpoint stars for cushions


I am stretched across


universes of hard light



enter, the advent of insanity


of death hidden in everyone's mind


the end of misery


and the extinction of man


by this premature holocaust


that happened to late



* * *


 

On that day to end all days



it will begin...

as yesterday and today began


and will happen...

this bright orange flare of defeat


instantaneous hell...

and eternal peace


my one wish...

finally granted


On that day to end all days


those who quiver in corners...

are not forgotten


embrace this death...

as your mother


all end of life...

that we're aware of


learn our future...

through my words


On that day to end all days


so discover me...

in this explosion's glare


and touch your mind...

to dreams so fair...



On that day...

to end...

all days



* * *


 

MOLTEN FABRIC OF TIME


ALLOYED DIMENSIONS


AND PERPENDICULAR TRAVEL


GRAY THREADS TO INFINITY


WALK DISTANT MEMORIES


AND SENSE ONE'S FATE


BEFORE BEING BURIED


BY LIGHT'S WEIGHT



* * *


 

to have happiness



is to be lost



in peaceful times



* * *

 


sparkling strength



forest waterfall


of greens and blues and white



constantly renewed beauty


of shimmering diamonds



tumbling about worn rocks


of great patience



crashing and screaming


to a foaming death



and reborn


to continue flowing



approached by many


known only to few



this parallels all life



* * *


 

who's this inside


that knows these questions


what's this thing


that sometimes takes control



is it evil or is it blessed



or is it my soul, finally at rest



* * *


 

be free, in that corridor


of sun's rays


explore twisting steps


of the shadow's maze


burn through myriad patterns


of jeweled stars


for exploring these prisons


of ghostly bars



have found infinite feelings


the understanding of white


empty of all troubles


I have diminished


life's fight



* * *


 

a time


the time


for feeling the way


the way things really are



absorbed into thoughts


thoughts of happiness and peace


the peace of living and enjoying


enjoying the coolness


the coolness of you



* * *


 

through blood caves of frustration


on murky water, with no place to flow


variations of hell painted all around me


and this black stench touches my soul



what chokes all life that here enters


and scatters shattered bones


for intruders to find


I give no clues to the answer


and fear to discover it


while so blind


with no hope


except that it's soon over


may my death


be a journey


MAY IT BE KIND



* * *


 

I dare you to invoke those thoughts which are hidden

 

buried in groves of complacency


covered by the mire of contentment



I dare you to think with freedom of purpose


and life's light surrounding your deeds


glistening with the untold power within you



I dare you to live, as I dare you to die,


to accomplish that which provides the most satisfaction


and take pride, so that it may build in you



* * *



Friends



seen as the passage


of life and living



borne to the end gracefully


on eye of yellows



shielded from black sadness


no part in harm



made by the two of you


together it stands



no fear of feeling


those thoughts deep inside



no fear of enjoying


life's only ride



 (painting, Charles & Mary, 8/75)



* * *


 

Haven



so as the story is made to go on


and the player's separation ends it not



remember


for in one other place it continues


remember


for in one other time it is



discovery of life in this moments peace


of knowledge...


of touching...


of flowing...



so when found in places


of troubled surroundings


return to this haven


that you have known



(painting, Fawn, 9/75)



* * *


 

lament for the night



have you ever felt like the night


in one orchestra of star's light


with the moon tearing sharp voids in the sky


and on the morrow when I cry


sense of sorrow, crutches of pain


I begged release


and am now insane



unholy demon of whispers and thought


which I mentally wrestled and bravely fought


what price do I pay to know this spring


what is this battle


what does victory bring


will it be freedom


will it be hell


I speak to the night



but it never does tell



* * *



make the mind empty of all thought


with the breath of sleep on your lips


carefully relax your centers of tension


as the body floats through skies of soft colors



open a circular door to admit a hidden person


explore those dusty isles from which emerged



different, yes, this dream side


to change, merge the inner and outer you


and find that the result


is the total of you



* * *


 

corridor of shadowed desires


not admitted to conscious thought



harvest pleasures


heretofore unknown



and bask in the shining light


of fulfillment



* * *


 

the death of one


I give you the choice of many


select from the infinite variety of possibilities


it will not be as any life worn before


you have already paid the price


don't hurry


you have all the time in the world



* * *


 

the death of myself


remembered only by myself


mourned only by myself



reborn to this world of confusion


see the trickery of society


the fallacy of belonging


structured to rigid form is of the past


the present is the regrouping of thoughts


and the future is the achievement


of constant change



* * *


 

tunnel blackness


running


sorrow unknown


running


taste the future


running



one, with the future


and all it demands



one, with the past


just as you planned



one, with the present


you in command



* * *



fragile intercourse


too soon broken


has taken the life's spark


and returned to blackness


that which seeked the light



* * *


 

in the space between what I see *


and how I see * exist the shapes


of this moment * I sense the


lifespan and patterns of emotion *


the initial twist * a millisecond


of intertwining fire * and leaden


weight * dissipating * diffusing *


disappearing * the blue of yesterday


becomes the gray of tomorrow * the


mixing of dimensions * unravels the


weave of living * leaving only the


remains of this life * leaving only


the dust of accomplishments *



* * *



STORM



endless... endless thunder


rolling over tormented gray


as seen through viscous black



beneath sad... sad waters


this unwanted solitude


that holds me back



may justice call


an innocent plea


so worlds will know


that I am free



and no more assume this stance


for sorrows unknown


when the whispers of crying people


shatter tomorrow


the thorns of broken silence


will be felt by all



* * *


 

for Fawn



take this jewel


of ocean's giving


feel the sun's kiss


as it pierces fog


enjoy the colors


of a Haven's beauty


know that story


that explains it all


these are my presents


freely given


so as my love


I hear your call



* * *


 

integral stimulus


white on morning newness


grays of shadowed pasts


never to be returned to


delicate lace


shining as to absorb more sky's blue



I am free from that which sought me


morning progression


and left behind



* * *


 

I search those clouds that


rim one horizon of mine in mystery



I unravel those secrets that


compel me to be



I know my life, whether for


crying or for laughing


to be only mine



I find my comfort


in those tears that no one sees



* * *


 

the streams of mountain stillness calls


past ancient rocks that know the past


this sparkling sunshine of winter's snow



from high cliff's edge


it floats, not falls


collecting in icy pools


I quench my thirst


and drink deep this life


I'm destined to know



* * *


 

temptress of sorrow


feel my despair



crowded walls


so deeply etched



of corners


and the mystery of dark



to control


what I reveal



deep journeys


time is unexplored memories



return as outside myself


temptations of the unholy



colors


seek for me the days of tomorrow


patiently I take my future


and with sorrow


follow my path



* * *


 

picture


winter's snow


greeting the dawn



see thousands of suns


breathe from that fire



and know


that summer's symphony


is silenced



so too


like memories of you


glistening


they exist in me...



as vapor


turned to diamonds



* * *


 

for Fawn


(a good-bye with love)



as the night... I spiral to my end



one kiss of life I need to send



fly tomorrow's joy that will be known



look towards yourself when you have grown



bright needles glare


of lost starry tears



those blue filmy shadows


of brushed aside years



remember the feeling


of smiles experienced here



remember my touches


while knowing my fear



* * *



black shadow


stretched from horizon


to infinity


over what is mine



touches me, pierces me



zig-zagged, superimposed


flash of colored brilliance


burns with feelings I control



painted on the universe


for one second



missed by all



but still mine



* * *


 

walking wooded hills


and patches of sun


this trail of golden and brown


leads me on


to this hidden fortress


its walls jeweled with reflections



see the reenactment


of stories once told


this yesterday's mirror


has answers for me



* * *



I find my life structured


on mistakes of the past


there is happiness knowing


that life improves with learning



* * *


p o n 

(during submarine service)  



1 9 7 4 - 1 9 7 6 


copyright Patrick O'Neil



* * *